helped myself to a portion of “hospitalization”

Yes, I, Yvette Hess, strong-willed, creative and ambitious woman sought help and lay (comfortably) in hospital for DEPRESSION.

My psych thought it not only therapeutic but EYE- OPENING for others to SEE the real effects of this debilitating illness.

Two weeks ago I was on my A-game and not long after, I headed on to AAA-game. So the following applies:
A manic episode is not a disorder in and of itself, but rather is a part of a type of bipolar disorder.

A manic episode is characterized by period of at least 1 week where an elevated, expansive or unusually irritable mood, as well as notably persistent goal-directed activity is present. The mood disturbance associated with manic symptoms should be observable by others (e.g., friends or relatives of the individual) and must be uncharacteristic of the individual’s usual state/behavior. These feelings must be sufficiently severe to cause difficulty or impairment in occupational, social, educational or other important functioning. Symptoms also cannot be the result of substance use or abuse (e.g., alcohol, drugs, medications) or caused by a general medical condition. Three or more of the following symptoms must be present:

Inflated self-esteem or grandiosityDecreased need for sleep (e.g., one feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talkingFlight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racingAttention is easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant itemsIncrease in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitationExcessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments. Taken from.

This was me, but in a majestic way. Not in a crazy way, I think. I exploded with awesomeness and bright sunshine. Until I became TOO SENSITIVE. Started hearing things, seeing things, feeling uneasy, suspicious, passive aggressive (as in aggression and power in my body that is released involuntarily), fearful, don’t want to be alone, excessive paranoia. Through these symptoms I could still blog, smile and make people laugh.

Then I blogged about my depression in my previous post. That monster grew larger, hairier and snarled at me. The coat of dusty brown fur was thick,  coarse and probably housed fat ticks. It had already started doing damage. That was my soured blood in that tick!

I haven’t been able to keep my house or myself clean for days. I’ve been clothed in embarrassment for days. How can I, the blogger, motivator, mother, wife and a whole lot of other stuff, be this? A sad lady filled with negative feelings and even worse impulses. Unspeakable impulses. Unforgivable.

This part of the illness is unforgiving. The way it takes away all that is good, all that you hold dear, your blessings.  Your body and soul is handed over. Your children are no longer blessings. Your kisses are no longer sweetened by love. They are tasteless, because even bitterness is worthy of a flavour. Yes I can make conversation and throw compliments at people, but inside- I have crumbled. I am dust.

I didn’t want this to be a long post.  I wanted to inform you, reader, that I am in hospital and I wanted treatment because I owe it to myself.

I cried a little in the car on my way here and told my husband, “I’m so sorry for this. You deserve better.”
And he said, “No my angel, you deserve better.”

Living day in, and day out having real suicidal thoughts is no life at all. Every object is a weapon. Every other fleeting thought is a whisper of death.

This is not life. But this is my life. From rock star to diseased animal, I ebb between glory in life and this.

See you soon.
PS I’m doing complete change over in meds… wish me luck. Maybe no more psoriasis….

Thank you to Dyane, Kitt, Blah, Nievo and all the other bloggers who have been so supportive. Love you, like a lot 😉

4 thoughts on “helped myself to a portion of “hospitalization”

  1. Eddie Guild says:

    Hi I have a bipolar friend who had a melt done last year and was hospitalized when I asked her how she was she replied “I am enjoying my medicated vacation!” just thought that was a very positive way to look at it 🙂 Hope your “vacation” goes well hope you new meds will stabilise you nicely, good luck let us know how you do please, take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Eleni Hoplaros says:

    I have suffered from anxiety attacks. I don’t know depression but I know that all encompassing feeling of fear that you’re losing your mind. So I take my hat off to you. I dont know you but I do know that what you’ve done is brave. Very brave! And Im rooting for you that you find your happy groove again!!

    Liked by 1 person

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