What does depression feel like?

I’m not sure if what I’m going through is a mixed episode. I sent my psych a message and she hasn’t responded. I think I should be fed to the dogs.

People, people don’t get me wrong. This isn’t (it might be) a cry for help. The last time I felt this low was when I met my husband. He was my boyfriend then, and I found myself just want to sleep the day away. Compliancy to taking my medication became an issue. Now, like thrn, basic functions like physicallly getting up is a problem. Yet at night, the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to sleep. I have designed a new website, edited stories and mad people happy.
I’m crazy sad. If that makes sense.

I decided to get a puppy. Someone who could love me and not judge me in English. Because the thought of someone judging me already hurts. But I have to wait for the adoption process to go through.

My husband doesn’t understand. I think this is because it’s been 2 years since we’ve experienced something so bad.

Remember I mentioned I had suicidal thoughts, well, I haven’t acted on any. But they are more frequent.

I wish I knew what was going on with me. It feels as if there’s heavy sand blowing in my mibd, distorting my thoughts and my vision. How do I raise children like this? Smiling and tickling them take so much energy, so much of me.

In moments I am numb to their innocent love.

In other moments, they save me.

For the first time in my life, I am considering gojng to the depression clinic. But what will everyone say? How will my husband cope? This is an illness I’d never wish on any enemy.

Burdened by sadness and energy to kill myself and the guilt of not loving myself enough just makes me confused. Why
don’t I love others enough to feel better?

Yes I was manic. But at least I can look after my kids and write magic.

Now, I can do neither.

Deadlines.

Children to be fed.

I need air.

All I see is fire.

image

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21 thoughts on “What does depression feel like?

  1. dyane says:

    I am PRAYING your psych has gotten back in touch with you, honey. If you are feeling worse like you say, please start a discussion with your husband about the possibility of going to the clinic. People will say what they will say, but your life is at stake!! Your husband will cope somehow and reach out to family for help. You MUST put yourself first! There is no shame for having a mental illness that is not your fault!!! You know that…I am thinking of you and will keep praying all day long that you get the medical help you need, my friend. Xoxo xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. blahpolar says:

    Lovely photo. I hope the psych gets in touch soon, maybe they will tomorrow … depression is a beast, please go to the clinicnif it’ll help. Never mind what people say … people do not understand what people like us have to endure.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Kitt O'Malley says:

    I’m reiterating what Dy and Blah have already written – get thee to a psychiatrist ASAP. If it means going to a clinic or whatever emergency mental health facilities SA provides – please do so.

    If you feel you might harm yourself or someone else, please pick up the phone right now and dial 0861-322-322 or 0800 567-567 to speak to a trained counsellor who can guide you towards a more positive persective on your life. – See more at: http://www.safmh.org.za/help.htm#sthash.pSIXpqXE.dpuf

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thanks Kitt. Seeing things and hearing things is the name of the game: all scary.

      I called her secretary and said I think I need to go to the clinic. She hasn’t called yet. I don’t even know what emergency facilities there are. I only know pregnancy. That would be a good topic to look into.

      Aggghhh I feel like so many people rely on me when I fall apart. Or I’m just unreliable and useless at the best of times.

      You all are so wonderful. Love you all, lots. All parts of me do.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thanks lilypup. I’m really scared and nervous. What if im just being weak and not pushing through like I should? This is another topic to write about clearly.

      Thanks for the support.

      Xxx

      Like

  4. Eddie Guild says:

    From my perspective your illness is nothing to be ashamed of and really who cares what people say if they cant understand you that’s their problem. You need to get help see your doctor as soon as possible, if he or she feels it necessary then a short stay in a clinic may be helpful for you to recover some stability and perhaps an adjustment to your meds. Good luck.

    Like

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