Since my last little episode, I’ve recovered quite nicely. Relatively speaking of course.
I’ve taken a few showers. Yesterday I even made myself breakfast. Boom.
Caring for myself is so much effort when I’m depressed. Sometimes loving myself is one of the most difficult things to manage to do. I think it’s rooted to my upbringing and being molested. I never felt good enough. So often I have negative questions in my mind like, “what makes you worthy of looking after yourself?”.
This in turn means I run on “empty” often. I don’t pour enough love into myself to give it in a healthy manner. Because I do give love. I give my everything. I give too much which leaves me with nothing. No energy or want to love myself. You know, I can’t even remember the last time I put on lotion after a five minute shower. It’s just shower. Get dressed. Finish and klaar.
I can’t blame the three kids. I can’t blame the husband. I can’t blame my parents. I can only blame myself. I’m stuck in a world of complicated psychological mess and I need to get out of it.
How do I do it? One way I thought of was taking ten minute showers. I know it seems stupid but that extra five minutes can seem like a luxury when you have a two year old banging at your door, “mummy, mummy, mummy!”
I need peace. Not necessarily quiet because that’s just impossible.
I need the peace of mind to find ways of looking after myself.
I need freedom. Not necessarily freedom away from the kids, because duh. I’m a mother. But I need the freedom to love myself. Without the guilt.
Guilt is painful. I’d starve myself if I could just for my children. I hear mothers say things like that all the time. I love my children fiercely but I can’t can’t can’t sacrifice myself or who I am for them. That’s my opinion. I give them my all, daily, but there comes a point where I see women give themselves away in the name of motherhood. Is that motherhood? I know my mother did that. She gave her everything and ended up being so bitter. She’s great now but I think she had it wrong- like many of us sometimes do. I think it’s part of the reason why I can’t show this weight. There are other reasons but I’m not focused on myself anymore. There is no me. There’s “us”. “We’ll” be there. “We’re” running late. “We” can’t make it. My baby making days started early. I just turned 21. So I missed out on quite a few great years because I had to be punished for having kids before marriage.
Ok, Maybe I’m bitter. But that’s besides the point. I’m married now and although I’ve grown since 21, I still feel pressures from the online world and soccer moms to be a certain kind of mother. Like Maz from Caffeine and Fairydust referred to in one of her post. Moms with Instagram filtered lives. Moms who do no wrong. Moms who aren’t wearing slippers in the car on the way to fetch the kids. Moms who aren’t suffering from anxiety and panic attacks daily. Moms who know how to deal with tantrums and crying fits.
Basically moms who have their shit together.
I’m not that mom. But I’m feeling the pressure to be that mom. I’m feeling the pressure to need to give everything up to fit into that box.
I try my best not to judge others, especially moms who don’t seem to get it right. I know how it feels. I judge myself and I’m particularly hard on myself. Why? That’s therapy convo.
I’m tired of mothers judging one another. In fact sometimes I get tired of being a mother. It happens. There are moments when I want to throw in the (dirty) towel (into the washing basket). But I don’t. You simply can’t. You think you can, but you can’t. You love them way too deeply. Every mother loves their child so deeply in a way that is sometimes too difficult to understand.
You will never be able to understand it. (Pity).
But you can embrace it.
What did I want to say with this post?
Self love is important. Don’t lose yourself in motherhood.
Live it up,