Anxiety killed the cat

My anxiety killed me, dead.

I really struggle with the anxiety part of my bipolar disorder and we’re beginning to think that it’s an issue all on its own. My last post spoke about my obsessional thinking patterns. I brought this to my psychiatrist’s attention  on Wednesday. (There was a cancellation so I could get an appointment sooner than I’d planned).

Some context: I’m enrolled in a writing course where I’m learning how to successfully write my memoir. Lately, towards the end of the course, I’ve been struck with debilitating anxiety.

I explained how I thought that maybe it’s psychosis as I must be delusional. My thought processes are affected. And bonus, it’s affecting my memory.My psychiatrist says that my anxiety may be the cause of all of this.

It’s more than just writer’s block. I am the one who is blocked.

Even writing this, I find that I’m struggling to string words together. I’m at a loss for words even in the simplest of situations. In social settings, I find my body temperature soaring (evident in my glasses steaming up) and I need to remove my glasses or scarf till I’m settled.

I recall experiencing this anxiety when I was studying at varsity. No surprise that I dropped out. Does this mean I won’t be able to achieve anything?

No need to answer that. I’m throwing out questions for myself to think about.

One thing that came out of the session was that I was adopting other people’s definition of success as my own and using it in turn to define who I am.

So, if I don’t submit 10 000 words  by the 15 July, I won’t get my certificate. And if I don’t get that certificate I’m going to be a failure, because I never graduated like everyone else. I made my happiness depend on that certificate, this upcoming submission. My livelihood depends on it. I have nothing else, if I do not have this certificate. I am nothing if I do not get this certificate. 

These are the kinds of thoughts that I constantly grapple with. They overpower all that I am and I am left, broken. Apparently it’s a combination between severe anxiety and low self esteem. The latter, I assume I need to fix quick-quick and in a hurry. These are the times I wish I were manic, just for the feeling of being invincible. Just to have that taste of power. Because right now, I’m yearning to feel that power and drive I had so many moons ago.

I’m sure some people, especially those without mental health issues are thinking, “Get it together.”

I wish I could. I wish it were that simple. But I’m trapped in my own head.

This anxiety has me questioning my very existence.

 

 

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15 thoughts on “Anxiety killed the cat

  1. Kitt O'Malley says:

    Cognitive exercises right now might help you to rewrite your self-punitive thoughts into more self-forgiving thoughts. “I have a mental illness. My brain is simply not working now. That is okay. My self worth is not dependent on getting this certificate. My self worth is not dependent on my ability to earn money. I have value and purpose as I am. I am worthy of love. I am loved.”

    Been there. In that place where I cannot pull letters together into words or words together into sentences. It is not writer’s block. It is real. Forgive yourself and your brain. Love you, Yve!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      I’ve been thinking long and hard about your comment. I really needed to forgive myself. And just accept myself as I am.

      Love you for getting me to see the truth Kitt, the truth as I needed to hear it. Thank you!!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. dyane says:

    Kitt’s comment seems like it could help. As you know, she has worked as a therapist and I trust her wisdom.

    Oh, my friend, I hope the anxiety goes the ^(&)(* away ***this weekend*** and you’lll be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kitt O'Malley says:

    Remember, too, that this, too, shall pass. Our illness is cyclical. We are not always blocked. We are not always anxious (or at least not always intensely). We are not always hypomanic or manic. We are not always depressed. Our bodies must adjust to medications and to medication changes. Recovery and stability take time and are not linear. Set-backs happen. Episodes happen.

    Like

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thanks for the reminder Kitt. May ask a question? I’m really struggling with criticism. Especially positive. I know. Go figure. I’m struggling to receive love. For example if someone shows me affection/ admiration or support in a message, I find it hard to reply. My initial instinct is to not reply. Not think about what they’re saying. Because it can’t be true. It’s costing me a lot of friendships and it’s causing inner turmoil. I want to bring it up with my therapist but I only see her in August. Thought I’d ask you in the mean time. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kitt O'Malley says:

        First of all, a simple “Like” or “Thank you” suffices. In person, hugs are great.

        Use your response to the comments as an exercise in fighting your negative thoughts and irrational negative beliefs about yourself.

        Make 3 columns on a piece of paper. Write the positive comment in the first column, your irrational response in the second column, and then REWRITE your response, replacing it with a self-loving thought to counteract the negative thought, in the third.

        Just keep doing it, over and over again. You will eventually retrain your brain. You don’t have to believe it at first. Just keep repeating the exercise every time those thoughts come up. Counter them. Stop them. Easier said, than done. But, it is a cognitive behavioral skill (CBT).

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Bipolar1Blog says:

    More and more, I have been living with anxiety as well. I know what you mean when you say “My anxiety killed me, dead.” I think mine is trying to do the same to me… Gosh, I hope we both get some relief from it, ’cause it’s really no way to live. (((((Hugs)))))

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Grace says:

    Yve, I just stumbled upon your blog via an invitation to honor Blahpolar and her passing. Life with mental illness can feel impossibly challenging. My hope for you is that you’re surrounded by a community that understands how to walk alongside you in your struggles~

    Liked by 1 person

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