Obsession

One of the things I haven’t read much about when it comes to bipolar disorder is being obsessive or having obsessing thoughts. I obsess over little things like if the windows are closed at night to big things like what are people thinking about me. I know it seems stupid and possibly childish but paranoia, at its worst, can be quite overwhelming if it spins out of control. 

Because I have a lot of guilt and shame issues, I obsess over what I think people are saying about me and even what they are not saying about me. (Like they’re not saying I’m a good person). I obsess about my worth. I obsess about the way I look. I obsess about my weight.

Paranoia finds itself in every day situations. Let me give you an example. I know a lot of people and so communicate with many of them on Facebook or whatsapp. While chatting to them, I’d have secret conversations happening in my mind where I imagine or “manufacture” things the other person is really saying with their messages. I obsess over reading between the lines constantly. It quickly spins out of control and I find myself completely detached from the actual conversation AND my mind is filled with negative what-ifs and so on. I’m become engrossed in the conversation that happened in the background.  Scary thing is, I can justify every bit of these thoughts, in my mind of course. I feel as if people are out to get me, hate me and so forth. I hate it. I loathe chatting because of it sometimes. 

According to an article I read online, paranoia is a symptom of psychosis. Gah. Really? Other symptoms include:

  • Disrupted, disorganized, or hard-to-understand speech or thought patterns
  • Hallucinations
  • Unrealistic beliefs
  • Difficulty managing daily activities
  • Difficulty knowing what is real and what is not

Ah yes. I relate to these above. 

It’s hard to accept symptoms let alone hide them. It’s hard to accept, that I’m mentally ill when you read the hard, clinical, truths. But I know it can be managed. I take my antipsychotics and go for therapy. 

Do you struggle with unshakeable paranoia? 

Prosper,

Yve

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10 thoughts on “Obsession

  1. Iggy says:

    Totally. I don’t really get paranoid about what other people think, but I obsess over bad thoughts, like something bad happening to my kids for instance. I wish the thoughts could stop. If you figure out how to make them go away, please share.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      I have those too. Bad thoughts about something to my children. I obsess over it too. I see the crashes in my mind, I see them getting hurt, falling. Stupid things. Serious things. It’s a nightmare.

      I clench my jaw and focus on that, every tooth fitting into the other and breathe slowly and deeply to bring my mind to fixate on the clenched jaw and not the bad thought. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I need to see my doc. I suppose anything that could centre your thoughts, bring you back and cut the obsession just for a second or two. You know?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. maggie says:

    I’m impressed that you have the ability to write and publish this blog. I don’t personally struggle with mental illness but every time I publish on my own blog I feel naked and vulnerable. Keep writing and educating people! Thanks for taking the risk.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      I feel exactly the same as you do: naked and vulnerable. But I think someone out there someone could be feeling the way I do and would need to read that they’re not alone. That gives me the courage to click “publish”. Thanks for reading and commenting Maggie. I’ll be sure to see what you blog about.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. dyane says:

    Obsessive thoughts are tied into my severe chronic anxiety. 😦 These patterns you describe are beyond awful; they are draining, and sucking out the best part of our souls.

    I used to self-medicate these thoughts with alcohol and benzodiazepines, but that’s no longer an option.(!!!) It helps so much to read about your experience, as much as I wish you never suffered one bit with this crap, because once again in Yve’s Corner, I don’t feel like I’m the only mom w/bipolar who thinks these kinds of things! Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      It’s funny. I never know where one begins and where one ends. Bipolar and chronic anxiety issues. It’s like a big melting pot of crap. I do still self medicate but I’m trying to take it easy on the alcohol.

      Thanks for always popping in to my corner- you’re always welcome. I’ve even prepped a bean bag and a cup of green tea for you! πŸ˜‰ πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

  4. bipolarfanatic says:

    This is totally me. I spin and spin stories. Script old conversations I had, new ones I’m going to have. My pdoc also said its anxiety. I didn’t agree, but when I dove more into anxiety i can find info on this type of thinking/obsessing. They are so draining and take me away from reality, out of the present moment!! Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Eddie says:

    Interesting thank you, I read a blog last week from a woman in the UK her anxiety became so bad that she used to take her steam iron to work with her so she could be sure she had not left it on. If it was not so tragic it would have been amusing. I am fortunate not to suffer with any of your symptoms. Keep strong go well.

    Liked by 1 person

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