I wish I was manic 

Yes. You read the title correctly. I’d rather be an irritable fool than this bag of useless nothing I am now. 

Every year this time I seem to go under and drown in a sea of hopelessness. I have trouble sleeping even whilst on sleeping meds; I am extremely negative and the suicidal ideation is a problem. 

If I were manic, my manic, at least I’d be doing something productive and not lay in bed all day fixated on ways to hurt myself. 

My manic is romantic. One or  more times a day I’d snap -of course- but I’d still be smooth, confident and a true magician with my charm. 

I’ve been in recovery for a while now and experienced the odd off mood but this is different. This reminds me of the many years of depression I struggled with before. Years of torment I thought was gone. 

I want to be gone. 

I’m so glad I’m not working because facing people would be very difficult. Firstly, I’d need to shower. And that right now is not happening. Secondly I’d have to plaster on a thick impasto mask to hide the hurt within. The hurt that I inflict upon myself -my mind the hell that it is -spewing lie after lie. 

Ah God. 

My nanny says I shouldn’t let the devil attack me like this. I’m a strong woman she says. 

Lies. 

For today I am broken. 

I’m going to see my psychiatrist today. I want her to fix this. I’m getting tired of saying I’m fine and that I’ll be okay. 

Yve

-This is not a cry for help. I’m open about my mental health because so many other people can’t be. I’m not scared of being judged. 

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9 thoughts on “I wish I was manic 

  1. Eddie Guild says:

    Would never sit in judgment of you you are one of the strongest people I know you are allowed a day off now and then none of us can fix the planet good luck with the p doc hope it goes well take care some hugs for you 🙂

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  2. Leslie says:

    I hope everything goes well with the pdoc. It’s good to be honest about what goes on with you. I try to do the same. It’s helpful to get it out of our brains and you never know who you might help.

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  3. My Bipolar Life the Blog says:

    I know how it feels to crave mania. I crave it too. My fiancé looks at me weird when I say that I want it and, although he has never seen me manic, he fears me becoming manic for my safety. I understand his fears but it’s just so much better not feeling at all.

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  4. Candice Rodrigues says:

    Let’s Be manic together! I’m going to find that magic wand – and snap this flippen awful situation we are in and change seasons. Got to figure out a way to change the Bipolar to UnoSomething. Find self love and that magical word happiness. With you through thick and darkness. We will beat this crap with a baseball bat and send it out of sight xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. dyane says:

    Oh honey.

    This part you wrote:

    “This is not a cry for help. I’m open about my mental health because so many other people can’t be. I’m not scared of being judged.”

    It seared my soul.

    When you’re struggling so hard right now, you’re not afraid to be real and honest with us.
    How precious for your readers who can’t be open, which you recognize and acknowledge.
    Your words are deeply inspiring to me.

    There are things I can’t write on my blog (and I feel like a coward, a wimp for holding back) because my 80-year-old mom reads my posts. I worry about freaking her out as she freaks out easily – she has untreated borderline personality disorder. if I write about having a cold, I get 20 calls in a day from her. I’m dead-serious.

    What’s most important is that I hope with all my heart that your appointment with the psychiatrist went well. (It’s so good you made that appointment – it can feel like climbing Mt. Everest just to make the call, to get through the doctor’s door. You did it!!!!)

    I love you and am thinking of you tonight and praying you feel better within the next couple days!!!!!!!

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  6. mommymuddling says:

    I was just standing in my kitchen thinking that I wish I was back to feeling the hypomania I was experiencing a couple weeks ago. It feels wonderful compared to feeling nothing. I hate that you are experiencing this darkness. It was not very long ago (a matter of weeks) that I was there too…it’s the worst. Just a reminder that your head is playing tricks on you and to earnestly seek the help and support you need. Sounds like you’re doing that. I hope your psychiatrist appointment went well! Prayers for you.

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  7. Iggy says:

    I can relate to your feelings. However my last manic episode was horrible, so I’m not looking forward to the next one. I just want to feel productive. I guess that is too much to ask. Ha!

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