I’m still bipolar 

Being in recovery doesn’t mean it’s always going to be rosey. Sometimes it’s going to weird and shit, just like yesterday. 

Yesterday I woke up feeling strange in an off-ish way. I hadn’t felt dreariness of that dark somber cloud in a while. I dragged myself out of bed to take the children to school. Fatigue sat in  etched in my bones. Every move I made was a chore. The want to look good wasn’t there. No lipstick. No smile. I just wanted get back to bed. I wanted to escape people and their smiles and laughter and zest for living. I wanted to escape life. Just for that day, I was done with it. 

I dropped the kids off, blew my sad kisses and drove back home- in a daze. I was in dark trance. I didn’t want to exercise. I didn’t want to eat. I heard the negative talk whispering in my ear. The bipolar’s smokey lips almost pressed against my ear. I smelt its disgusting breath. My emotions ran high. How could I let it come for me again?

I have not been taking my meds as I’m supposed to. I ran out. I failed to fetch more. Stupid. Rookie error. Or maybe I was asking for trouble? 

So many things have been happening in my world. Good things. Great things. 

Then yesterday happened to remind me that I’m not super woman. It saddened me because it reminded me of those times I wanted to give up on life completely. It reminded of those times where no matter how hard I prayed, days were a torment to live through. 

I spent the day in bed. Messages streamed in. I zoned out. My husband took some time out to call me so that we could figure out some sort of plan of action. How were we going to tackle this beast yet again? 

We decided the plan of action would be to drop all my current projects and then rest for the day. We would make sure I’m taking the right meds at the right doses. Besides those important things, I would need to rewire my way of thinking.  Around every corner, there would be a negative thought or belief. One would be borne out of the simplest of situations. I’d lift a glass to pour myself water and instantly I would see a vision of cutting myself. It’s almost natural. The negative thoughts would pile on top of one another, one sad one after the other. Yesterday, I practiced not believing the thoughts or not dwelling on them. I didn’t let them linger long enough to cause damage. Even though I couldn’t stop them, I could control the way I reacted them, the way I handled them. This is a first for me. And maybe that’s what recovery really is: being strong enough for the battles that may come your way. 

Today I’m feeling much better. My mood has lifted and I’m excited about things again. Yesterday’s torment was short lived but I know it will return. At least I know I’m ready. I’m capable. 

10 thoughts on “I’m still bipolar 

  1. mommymuddling says:

    This is so me, today. I’ve been doing pretty well and today I feel paralyzed, iverwhelmed, stuck. Thank you for the reminders of how to take care of ourselves in these moments and that its ok to rest sometimes. Today I’ll just breathe…let the thoughts pass by as much as possible and hope for feeling better tomorrow. XO.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. dyane says:

    I’m sooooooooo glad you are feeling better today!!!!!!!!

    You have (as you noted) too much good & awesome stuff going on and evil bipolar needs to stay the hell away! ;

    As far as meds go, I (and I’ll admit this will sound super-neurotic) I’m extremely freaked out at the prospect of missing even ONE pill. Yes, this is the first place I’ve shared my phobia.I’m comfy here, girl.

    Craig HATES when the following happens: if I think there’s even a chance of missing a pill, or not getting my meds in time (i.e. the pharmacy screws up) I FREAK out. Bad. I scream, I cry, I snot all over myself. Maybe it’s because after taking one pill (Elavil/amitriptyline) and having it almost kill me, I think the opposite could be true. Hell if that is true, and hell if I know! But I’m not taking any chances.

    Since 2013 (the summer of my 3 hospitalizations) I’ve never missed a pill. While I’ve had very, very bad days, they haven’t slipped into the abyss 100%. More like 90% And I credit that to making sure I have all these weird chemicals in my system no matter what.

    I hesitated sharing this because words are flat, well these words are – and I don’t want to sound like a bossy bee-yotch and/or nag, but you and I…. we are sensitive creatures….and these teeny bits of relative sanity affect us more than other people. I know you’re not asking for my advice, but I love you and I don’t want you going through another day like that. Therefore, tell yourself
    “From now on, I won’t run out. I’ll make this #1 priority, as much as a pain in the ass as it is” (and I KNOW it is, at least for me) because I’m beautiful, I’m brilliant, and I have it going ON!”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pola says:

    I think you only know how strong the power of positive thought is when you have to find some will to go against what your chemicals are telling you. Every victory is a great one. ~ P ~


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