Facing Demons

I had a meeting with a publisher for my memoir in Cape Town this past weekend. I should be glad, right? I am. I’m sure deep down inside I am. Maybe.

On the surface, fear of being judged bubbles. The thought of writing thousands of words about my manic depressive life shoots my anxiety levels way up. This is due to the fact that I did a whole lot of stuff I’m not proud of and there are days when I feel like my ability to write has gone with the wind. Okay, more like gone down the toilet. Questions about why I did certain things will come to the fore and I don’t have any answers for them. So, in short, I’m scared to write about a life that’s messy and dark and wild.

This stupid bipolar disorder giveth and taketh away at the worst of times. The bipolar gods never favour me.

I sit here, wallowing in pity, all because of worry.

I should be excited, like the rest of the people who support me.

But the disorder robs me of that too.

 

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Facing Demons

  1. dyane says:

    Okay, here I am. I won’t lie – it’s *hard* as hell to write about a life with bipolar disorder; at least it has been for me. I’ve been working on this book since 2008, off and on – mostly off as you know.

    My husband’s book about aviation history was published & got mostly excellent reviews. When I told him how hard is was for me to write, he said, “It’s fun to write!”. At least I didn’t hit him for saying that! 😉

    Anyway, my advice is to pace yourself. Try to take away the shoulds.
    Don’t pressure yourself to feel glad about this exciting news any longer!
    The feelings of pity, of anxiety, of not being excited your deal will rise and fall.
    You ***can*** do this, and you ***will*** do this, and remember that your feelings will change over time; it won’t always be this way, dear Yve.
    I believe in my heart that you won’t always feel robbed. XoXo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Finally. I’m here.

      I knew you’d understand sweet Dyane.

      Thanks for the advice. I went for therapy today and she advised that maybe I should seek publishing avenues when I’m done writing so that I don’t have the pressure to complete the project like I do now. The publisher set the date for 30 June but I feel like all that did was apply too much pressure. Deadlines are great but now I feel that the creativity and drive to write slipped between the cracks.

      You’re so right. About everything you know. Reminds me of Blah.

      I will do this.

      I can.

      I just have to find the words- they’re in here somewhere.

      Thank you for your words Dy. I really needed to hear them.

      Yve

      Xoxoxo. Ps we should skype some time.

      Liked by 1 person

      • dyane says:

        Oooh, deadlines have totally freaked me out. I asked for an entire year extension because time FLIES so I think your therapist is totally spot-on – you have a good one there!!!!! Would love to Skype with you so let’s make that happen – yesterday was my first day taking a break from Twitter – I started getting too triggered by it and I didn’t think I could make it through the day (!) but I did, so if you don’t see me retweeting, you know what’s up, my friend. I’m not sure how long my break will be. We’re going to be without internet from Dec. 19 to Jan. 2 – we’ll check it once in a while for email/blogs, but that’s it. :))) Sorry to blather on; you;re the first person I’m telling this to! Anyway, back to YOU – beauty girl, yes, take off that pressure, the creativity will return and not be tamped down and there’s always the future to pursue the publishing avenues – they will be there waiting for *you* I promise. XOXOXOXOXO

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yve's Corner says:

        I’m so glad i’m not the only one freaked out by deadlines. It reminds me of my time at varsity and when I crashed. Deadlines came from the devil I tell you! Ha!

        I totally understand- I’ve been trying to step away from the words in general so I can totally understand the break from titter and the like.

        Good plan disconnecting from the internet altogether actually! OLE plans to close shop for the holidays so that’ll give me break too.

        I think I just put myself under so much pressure, I can’t function. I’ve been so critical of myself and everything I do that I haven’t been able to enjoy anything. So, I hope this break will bring that joy to the fore again. Sorry for blabbing. 😦

        You sound like my therapist you know. I should pay you for such great advice. hehehehe.

        Skype when you return from internet-free world . Have a safe and wonderful festive season. I know it’s not always easy.

        Thinking of you,

        Yve
        xoxoxox

        Liked by 1 person

  2. La Sabrosona says:

    Ugh. Writing can be so painful. And then to have others read your stuff and how vulnerable that makes you ( not just YOU, but people in general). I’m a huge procrastinator so when I hear people have actually finished writing a book, I’m in awe. I think by writing it down and letting others in on your vulnerable moments will help to lighten your anxiety and worry because others will come to you to express how grateful they are that someone understands the hell of manic depression and will band together to help you carry your “cross”. It’s not for anyone to judge you but commend you on your courage for opening up. Be well Bella xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      That’s another point I didn’t mention: writing can be so painful.

      I would love for this book to connect me to people who have experienced trials and tribulations when it comes to manic depression.

      The support for living with this illness has really lifted me from the worst of the worst so I can believe you when you say people would help carry this cross. People like you, Dyane, Kitt and Blah have changed my life. I hope this book will be the same for others in some way.

      Thanks La Sabrosona for every bit of support you send my way.

      Yve
      Xxxx

      Liked by 2 people

      • La Sabrosona says:

        Cuenta conmigo Preciosa (count on my support precious). There’s no doubt in my mind that your book will change lives and likely save lives. We’ve been immersed in the rhetoric and the definitions and the diagnoses for a bit but there are those who are just discovering they have bipolar or a loved one has bipolar and your book will be like soothing aloe on a hot mess of a life. Be well lovely xxxx

        Like

Come on, talk to me- what did you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s