Looking for that something and possibly finding it

I’ve been out of hospital for a few weeks now and during this time I’ve been rattling my brain just to find myself- find the taste of life within the marrow of my bones. As mentioned in my post on my other blog OLE, I’ve been drowning in self-doubt. After an episode, I always seem to struggle to pick up the pieces sprawled across the floor. You know, pieces of myself, my soul and my sanity.

In this past episode, although I did not go full manic, I suffered an intense internal pain. My world had been turned upside down and I felt like I had been turned inside out-bearing my raw flesh in all my naked glory (and shame) for the world to see. I felt vulnerable. I still do. Here I am, mother to three boys, who cannot seem to “get it together”. Where was the glamorous, confident Yvette their father fell in love with? Where did that man-eater, vivacious woman where the attention of men sat like a string of pearls around her neck? Okay, maybe it’s good she left. But where was that girl who was so sure of her worth?

She slipped into the depths of depression- and died. That’s at least what I feel has happened. I feel like she dies a painful death with every episode. And after every death comes the (mostly) painful rebirth of a soul that needs to not only learn about the world again, but about herself. Learning and redefining likes, dislikes, passions, boundaries, limitations, expectations. All of this, while trying to manage (balance) rearing children with their own needs and loving a supportive husband.

My therapist suggested I attend local art classes to address several issues. One of them being learning to take make time to nurture my needs- for now my creative needs. Career needs come at a later stage. I’ve always known that I am a creative person, but I never felt safe and sure of myself to explore those needs. My father asked me once what I wanted to be when I grow up. Young little Yvette enthusiastically answered that said she wanted to be an artist. He quickly pooped on my parade and said that artists are poor people and I wouldn’t want to struggle, would I? I decided then and there to find something else that would make me rich and I ended up studying Accounting (hahaha). Although I ended up changing a few directions at university, I stayed in Commerce and never gave myself a chance to explore any other gifts I had. I gave up on those gifts and what I didn’t realize is that I gave up on part of who I was, who I AM!

I am a creative, artsy fartsy type. There, I said it. I love colour and I feel what I write. And now that I’m painting, I feel what I paint. I can feel! Oh, to be alive! It’s scary to start a new blank canvas, but now I know that my ability to create has been rekindled, I’m embarking on a journey of self-discovery. This time, with vigor. I brave the anxiety and paint through the uncertainty that may arise in the pit of my stomach. The feelings of nauseating numbness are slowly being replaced with excitement- butterflies flutter from the sheer joy of filling my cup of self-love. Oh yes, because I am learning to and embracing the idea of loving myself first! I have somewhat complicated triggers and because I have put myself last for so many years- I never developed the skills to be able to identify what makes me ill. So, it’s an exhilarating feeling owning my own wellness. I’m at a loss for words, but every time I think about losing who I am and this bringing me back to life, I get so emotional. I sit in tears as I type this. I stand on the brink of a reawakening.

What has even more amazing is the amount of support I’ve been getting. People in my art class, my art teacher, my friends and of course my family all believe that I have something. And for the first time, I’m beginning to believe they may be onto something. There must be something to it, if every time I paint my soul is set alight and it’s fueled by this passion. Oh yes I say again, I am alive!

This is what I’ve been up to:

IMG_0730

Painting from week 3 Final oil painting

IMG_0719-0

Week 3 subject matter (I was heavily pregnant)

FotorCreatedyve

Week two subject matter

Week two subject matter

final oil painting (painting from week 2)

final oil painting (painting from week 2). Done with a palette knife

Final painting in oil (painting from week 1)

Final painting in oil (painting from week 1)

Subject matter from my garden

Subject matter from my garden

Look, I’m not saying I’m great at this. I’m saying I’m having the time of my life. And I do get nervous about what people are going to say, of course. And I stress about how will I pay for the next class, I worry about if I’ll make a mistake, I worry about what to wear etc. I’m a naturally anxious person.

But when I’m in it, I feel like I belong. I have a space in this world and I’m worthy of it. So yes, I have my episodes, Bipolar Disorder does that, but I’ve discovered more to than just the ups and downs- I’ve learnt to find myself beyond the illness.

This is freedom!

Let me know what you think.

P.S My father and mother are now my biggest supporters 🙂 My mom even a sponsors a class once a month.

P.P.S Sponsoring me is easy to do. You can buy vouchers at Mica Vredenburg to pay for equipment or to pay for my classes. I’ll call it late/early birthday presents.

Live loud,

Yvette

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12 thoughts on “Looking for that something and possibly finding it

  1. dyane says:

    I love it all! And listen to blahpolar – that gal knows what she’s talking about!
    One of these days I need to take pictures and post a few paintings by my Dad – I think you’d love his style. Again – you remind me of him in that you’re such a Renaissance Woman and your art…..your gifts….will see you through this manic depression. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Yes please Dy!! Post those pics. I’m in love with anything that carries the spirit of the artist so in sure I’d love them. I’m only struggling with the after effects of painting. When I’m not with the canvas or smelling the turpentine I feel drained or down. I long to be in that room with fresh wet paint on the tips of my fingers! So I believe you when you say it will see me through this. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Anna Eastland says:

    Hi Yve,
    I just discovered your blog, and wanted to say I’m honoured to ‘meet you’ especially because of your brave vulnerability in sharing your struggles and joys. I am a mom who has also been through a lot in the last year especially, and I also find that nurturing my creative side is so therapeutic and helpful. I lost my daughter in labour about 13 months ago, and writing poetry and doing photography helped me find the beauty in my suffering and share it with others.
    The book that really helped me overcome perfectionism and fear about being creative was Julia Cameron’s “the Artists Way.” I can’t recommend it enough!
    Many blessings on your journey as an artist, mother and woman!
    Anna

    Like

  3. Sandra says:

    I do love your art, and I love the one where you are “heavily pregnant.” It’s beautiful (as are the others though). You are a creative person. You paint a picture with your words every time you write. You explain so thoroughly what it feels like to fall down and to try and stand up again without the aid of a walker. But clearly this time, your pain brush in hand, not only have you stood up, you leapt from your spot on the floor. Bravo! I loved this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thank you so much! I got emotional just reading your comment because you’ve captured it perfectly. I’ve jumped straight out of the depths of the pit I didn’t even know I was in most of the time!

      It takes a strong person to recognize what a feat this is- so here’s to you too.

      Thanks for the support. It is much more appreciated than you know.

      xx

      Like

  4. Marilyn says:

    Your pictures are very good. I learnt in art classes to paint for my own enjoyment! (I am not as talented as you are & found it quite intimidating having others judge my work).

    So well done! keep up with the writing as you seem to have tons of good stuff waiting for release.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thanks Marilyn. We work in a group setting and I was too very intimidated especially since all the ladies had been with my art teacher for years. They knew one another and formed special bonds too. That made the art and the actual class intimidating. I was anxious a lot and had to take time to breathe a few times before I could continue. But working through that has been the icing on the cake. The ladies warmed up to me too and now every class is absolutely amazing.

      Thank you for the support, and yes I’d like to think that I have some good writing coming out. All in good time! I finally have my mojo back 🙂

      Like

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