Sensitive Yvette

“Yvette, you can’t go through life being so sensitive.”

 My dad’s words still haunt me today. I hear his voice right through the other voices in my head. They throw insults at me. Word after word they cut, like daggers into my flesh

I’m sure he never imagined having a daughter like me- sensitive and broken on the inside. 

Today was one of those days where I woke up  just fine but crumbled when my computer refused to connect to the Internet. Just like that, my mood spiraled downwards into an abyss. This is not the first time that this has happened. A month ago I dropped a cellphone my mother gave to me while helping a fellow soccer mom.the screen was crushed and so was I. I couldn’t explain why suddenly everything went dark inside. I had to put up a front because that’s what I do. All I wanted was a corner to cram myself into and cry the day away. Maybe my meds can’t hold me to together when I need to fall apart?

If I had to explain this strange phenomenon, I would describe myself as being born inside out. So my sensitive bits are on the outside- lungs, pancreas and my heart dangle from my body. I have no protective layer like one’s skin to protect me from attacks or even normal day to day life. I’m sensitive to daylight. I’m sensitive to a scrape on the knee. I’m sensitive to words. My boyfriends used to say I over analyze everything. I do. I need to know what I internalize because there are bitter days like these where I internalize everything.

A good question to ask at this point is, am I not weak? My dad threw that dagger too. Being sensitive is equated to being weak. Over years of believing this I can safely argue that this is not true. I’m sensitive but so sensitive that I can feel for someone else. One of my strengths in my career and university life was that I could empathize and sometimes even carry others’ burdens. I could think for others. I turned my sensitivity into a strength, not because I was forced to- but because seeking possibilities to help people and my love for understanding people was part of my sensitivity package. It just took my a few years to find out that I do have magic. I do have power.

I’m sure my dad still doesn’t completely understand my anxiety or my disorder, never mind the sensitivity, but he now knows that’s it is part of the Yvette package: and he loves me for it. 

So today, in this coffee shop I will cry while I eat my lemon meringue. But tomorrow will be better, bloody heart and all.  

I’ll post some advice on how to deal with sensitivity.

Xxx

Yve

 

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15 thoughts on “Sensitive Yvette

  1. roughghosts says:

    Being hyper-sensitive seems to be a quality many people with mood and anxiety disorders deal with. For both myself and my son I remember being scarred early by the disregard shown to sensitive people. I wonder how different it might be if the quality was respected and seen as an indication of creative insight. Trying to shame people out of sensitivity doesn’t work….

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yve's Corner says:

      It surely didn’t work. My son seems to have inherited this trait but is more open to expressing it. I just kept mine inside only because I was taught it was a sign of weakness. Had I known I could channel it, I think I would have ended up in a different place and space in my life.

      Like

  2. blahpolar says:

    HSP, Highly Sensitive Personality. I cannot imagine myself without a shitload of sensitivity, and frankly I don’t want to. I get the same way about stuff like Internet access, I can totally relate to you about that. You’re not a freak, you’re just one of us. And we may be fucked up, but we’re magic too. So there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yve's Corner says:

      It has a name. It. Has. A. Name. I know that it’s one of those mutually exclusive things. I also know that I always fell deep deep in love or deep into attraction because of it. I also experienced tremendous loss, break ups were terrible. Punishment was severe. And failure is a burden I carry daily. Thanks for the welcome to a crew I never knew had a name. Feels good to have that label . Ok let’s call it a so-called label. I want to be politically correct. Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. penelope kirk says:

    Growing up (and still in middle age) my dad used to call me “mantequilla” (Spanish for butter) because I would “melt” easily, because he felt I was too emotional. Frankly, his criticism helped little and probably made things worse. I’m sure your sensitivity serves you well in other spheres of life-art, writing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Hi Penelope,

      I know how you must feel. I read up more about hypersensitive people and found that they also startle easily. I immediately connected with this as I remember my dad used to say he just farts and the. I would get a fright. I don’t think his generation knew how to handle sensitive people like us. He still gets it wrong because they don’t understand. My sensitivity does, you’re right but what saddens me is that it doesn’t serve me well in areas that interests him.

      Xxx

      Like

  4. p3rmy says:

    Oh how I relate to this! But after a silly incident in primary school, I hardened my exterior and it worked for a long time. I could throw back all insults to self but was super tuned in on other people’s pain and made me a great friend. Then that wall crumbled in my twenties and I’ve almost nearly accepted this part of me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Mmm wonder how you got to harden yourself like that? I was like a secret marshmallow – A pink one. I haven’t completely accepted it because well, it’s difficult to explain it to other people. I went to a funeral on Saturday and cried as if it was one of my own family members. I live deeply in the moment and every moment has an emotion. I get lost in it and so it becomes hard to justify it with logic why or how I feel so much. How do you then accept it you know? Logic fails and emotion reigns.

      Like

      • p3rmy says:

        I don’t know how I did it either, it’s amazing actually. But when getting told no and you want to burst into tears happens, you know you’re too sensitive. I felt strong because I shut my own emotions off but could empathize fully with others. There is no logic to emotions me thinks

        Liked by 1 person

  5. blessyourheart1109 says:

    Oh My my my this struck a big chord with me. Empaths we are, we are “too sensitive” and I have called myself a “bleeding heart” bc I wear it on my sleeve bc i dont know quite how else to live. I have also recently discovered…living this way is quite beautiful because not everyone can be so open, so honest, so sensitive and it really is a beautiful way to be even if and when it hurts.

    Like

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