The pains and griefs of Motherhood- mentally ill or otherwise

I wrote this to my close friend, Dyane Harwood, a little while ago. We usually cheer one another on (we are both writers and need positive reinforcement regularly) but this ventlike email to her followed my depression episode. It came like a thick fog out of nowhere. It came at the time my family needed a totally sane and organised person to handle our big move to a new town. But I failed.

“I’m writing this because I thought I’d let you know. I dragged myself out
of bed for one reason only. I had to buy nappies for the kids. We ran out last night. So, as I got ready I did some thinking. I miss my brighter, happier, sexier self. I miss eyes on me. I miss being in love with the person in the mirror. I don’t look in the mirror anymore. Some days I don’t bother tweezing. Some days, okay, I don’t even shave anymore.

Motherhood and mental illness has dragged every bit of oomph I had right out of me. How my husband bears it I’ll never know. And I don’t want to know. I’m afraid he’s here out of pity. I pity this woman I have become. I have turned into the woman I never wanted to be: that woman . You know that battered woman who sacrificed herself for all of until she had nothing more to give but bitterness and greyed stretchmarks.

I wish I would just go poof, disappear and start all over again.

Madness has taken my glorious womanhood and turned it into fiery riots
where I die painful, violent deaths every time; where I scream for the
sanctity of others; where burn I for all to see and chant for equality for all.

Madness has taken my beauty and made me fight fiercely for the life of
others. And in itself it’s a kind of it’s beauty, this plight in freedom
for all.”

I feel a little less negative today but most of these ideas still ring true to me.
Still I realize that there’s more to womanhood than prettiness and romantic lens flares. I’m a mother and a mental health advocate. I guess sometimes I just miss the luminous glow of those burning feminine embers.
Although I am exhausted, and I’d complain about it. I’d still choose both in a heart beat. I was designed to fight the good fight.

You know why?

Because I won’t stay down, unshaven and all.

xxx

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16 thoughts on “The pains and griefs of Motherhood- mentally ill or otherwise

  1. dyane says:

    Unshaven mommy writers, unite! Thanks for the sweet shout-out too.

    I LOVE these new lines you included:

    “Still I realize that there’s more to womanhood than prettiness and romantic lens flares. I’m a mother and a mental health advocate. I guess sometimes I just miss the luminous glow of those burning feminine embers.”

    Brilliant!

    Feeling pretty crappy today. I only slept 4, maybe 4 & 1/2 hours last night because I was a dumbshit. I drank a bunch of coffee yesterday afternoon (only to avoid the nap I’ve had to take every single day, and that’s getting OLD – it’s not even really a nap but a weird fatigue lay-down – my girls are home while I do it and I can’t “let go” as I worry about their safety!)

    While the coffee worked & I stayed outta the bed, I paid the price with my sleep, which everyone with bipolar knows is critical. Plus, I had nightmares! (sounds familiar, yes?)

    Not good, not good. I’ll definitely pass on the afternoon coffee today. I can’t go back to Seroquel unless there’s a very, very good reason!

    XOXOXOXO YOU!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yve's Corner says:

      I promise next week I’ll try to shave something! Hahaha.

      Thank you for ALWAYS being just ‘there’ for me. Just knowing you’re around, virtually speaking, means the world to me.
      And thank you for liking the way I write! I swear it just runs from my brain through to my heart and it’s my pumped to my fingers. Okay sometimes I skip the brain part.

      I’m sorry you felt so crappy.

      Sleep is so important but I’ve also been getting bad sleep. I haven’t been taking my pills to avoid feeling groggy in the morning. I know I know. It’s just that in the morning I have so much to do and because I can’t think clearly everything takes forever. It’s frustrating. I miss comfort of knowing where everything goes.I’m feeling lost now. Anyway.

      X xx kisses for you!
      Please drink decaffeinated coffeeeeeeee!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Amy says:

    I remember feeling like that a lot when my daughter’s were younger. It is a tough job and takes a lot of energy being a mom, especially with depression or anxiety, or any other type of mental health issue. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thanks Amy. I think it’s because my kids are so little (1 , 2 and 8) that it’s so hectic. I have a nanny but I feel like I’m still worrying as if she’s not here. It’s mentally exhausting. She also new so she still has to get to know the children . That and we just moved. I’ve always been an anxious person so I think this post was a way for me to feel okay amidst the hairy legs and screaming kids.

      Thanks a lot Amy.

      Xxx

      Like

  3. Kitt O'Malley says:

    Powerfully written. I bet if you asked your husband that he still sees the feminine embers burning brightly in you. He may very well see you beyond and in spite of your illness. Remember who you are. You are not bipolar disorder. You have bipolar disorder. You are a beautiful, intelligent, passionate, loving woman. Be kind to yourself. Allow love in.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thanks Kitt. I want to believe he does. He’s never given me a reason to think otherwise. Although he mentioned the other day that my legs used to be even sexier. Okay he said that when he met me I was so hot that he could start a fire with my legs (I think he translated this from an Afrikaans saying). I thought to myself… He could do the same now, the fire would last longer anyway-the wood is thicker 😉 hahaha.

      I find it hard to let love in sometimes. Thank you for the gentle reminder.

      Bipolar disorder will not have me. Sometimes the lines blur a little.

      X xx

      Thank you for being a gentle spirit in my life always reminding me of not only the positives but the truths I can’t always see.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kitt O'Malley says:

        I gained a great deal at first from medications, but I was able to eventually get the weight down. Now I’m not as slender, but I’m at a healthy weight for my height and age. I lost 25 lbs using Weight Watchers meetings and techniques (they are online, too, as is MyFitnessPal.com which is free). Avoiding carbs (bread and pasta) helps quite a bit.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yve's Corner says:

        Social isolation is the biggest one for me as I’m too embarrassed to walk outside. I know I need the walks, not only for my weight but my back as well. I’ll get there. Slowly. I’m going to a wedding tomorrow so I needed to go out to get my hair done. That’s a good thing. Being pampered and getting out of the house. It’s easy to get too comfortable and feel so safe that that everything else can seem scary.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Kitt O'Malley says:

        I would love to see a photo of your hair done up. Best of luck at the wedding. I hope you have a lovely time. I isolate myself, too. We must support each other in getting out of our homes and outdoors walking.

        Liked by 1 person

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