In our family (my mom and dad’s side) we fight and push through everything. This is includes and is not limited to poverty, stress, fights, death and even depression. This is not always wise, a lesson I learnt only later in my twenties. I think I’m depressed.
My symptoms are:
Not being able to get out of bed (it started friday) I forced myself to help hubby in Cape Town while staying at the inlaws but I probably should have been in bed
Not being able to write (I thought it was writers block)
Sleeping too much
Swinging between no appetite to binge eating (carbohydrates)
Aggravated psoriasis (I think this is just from stress)
Not being able to set realistic goals (at the moment)
Feeling discouraged generally and when not being able to achieve unrealistic goals
Just want to be alone but-
Want to be comforted at the same time
Frequent Suicide flashes but no impulses (I’m almost used to these now)
Foggy brain and of course bad memory
As much as I can understand that I may be depressed, the thought crosses ny mind: was I then ever manic and didn’t know it?
I usually go manic with symptoms of psychosis and then hit rock bottom with depression. Has something changed? Was it because I didn’t get proper sleep last week? Or was it intense feelings of anxiety I felt at times? (It’s winter here but my glasses would fog up mid conversation and I’d be wet from perspiring. )
I don’t know.
I don’t know much but I know this sucks.
I received good news about possible publishers so all I have to do is write. It sounds so easy. But it’s so much more than that: You have to feel alive to write. You have to be alive to write.
I know I take on so many stressors and push through crap I shouldn’t. I end up broken every time and literally have to pick up the pieces around every corner.
I told one of my blogger friends that sometimes you can feel the depression coming and you feel as though there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s envitable. But like we agreed, it’s a wave we just have to ride and remember that we’re never riding it alone.
One day I’ll have all of this figured out.