I must have been manic, but it’s over now

image

Coffee break

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k2C5TjS2sh4

In our family (my mom and dad’s side) we fight and push through everything. This is includes and is not limited to poverty,  stress, fights,  death and even depression. This is not always wise,  a lesson I learnt only later in my twenties. I think I’m depressed. 
My symptoms are: 
Not being able to get out of bed (it started friday) I forced myself to help hubby in Cape Town while staying at the inlaws but I probably should have been in bed
Indecisive
Not being able to write (I thought it was writers block)
Sleeping too much
Swinging between no appetite to binge eating (carbohydrates)
Aggravated psoriasis (I think this is just from stress)
Irritable
Not being able to set realistic goals (at the moment)
Feeling discouraged generally and when not being able to achieve unrealistic goals
Just want to be alone but-
Want to be comforted at the same time
Negative thoughts
Frequent Suicide flashes but no impulses (I’m almost used to these now)
Foggy brain and of course bad memory

As much as I can understand that I may be depressed, the thought crosses ny mind: was I then ever manic and didn’t know it?

I usually go manic with symptoms of psychosis and then hit rock bottom with depression.  Has something changed? Was it because I didn’t get proper sleep last week? Or was it intense feelings of anxiety I felt at times? (It’s winter here but my glasses would fog up mid conversation and I’d be wet from perspiring. )

I don’t know.

I don’t know much but I know this sucks.

I received good news about possible publishers so all I have to do is write. It sounds so easy. But it’s so much more than that: You have to feel alive to write. You have to be alive to write.

I know I take on so many stressors and push through crap I shouldn’t. I end up broken every time and literally have to pick up the pieces around every corner.

I told one of my blogger friends that sometimes you can feel the depression coming and you feel as though there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s envitable. But like we agreed, it’s a wave we just have to ride and remember that we’re never riding it alone.

Yve

One day I’ll have all of this figured out.

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12 thoughts on “I must have been manic, but it’s over now

  1. dyane says:

    Hello honey….this is a total guess, but maybe you weren’t full-blown manic, but “just” hypomanic which could switch into depression. It’s hard to say, but I’m amazed you’re able to write (and very articulately at that) in the midst of depression. I’ve never been able to do that! You will rise out of this state; you always have!!! It’s a nightmare, there’s no doubt about it. I hope that you could to contact your doctor about how you’re feeling & possible medication tweaking. I hope that the depression lifts very, VERY soon (i.e. TODAY!)

    Yes! You’re not riding the wave alone!!

    Much love and please keep us posted, XoXo Dy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Hello dear! I just want to send a shout out to you, miss fabulous for always being so supportive. This is especially appreciated in times of depression when all the negatives loom you know. I’m amazed I’m able to write. The words still flow but from my sometimes blocked veins. I’ll need to tweak me meds but as I emailed you at least I’m out of bed. My nanny and cleaner were starting to worry. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Kitt O'Malley says:

    Yvette, you do not necessarily have to have been manic to precipitate depression. As I recall, you just moved. Whenever I move, the stress of the move triggers depression. When I find myself struggling with a life transition, I seek help. I talk about it in psychotherapy and see my psychiatrist to have my medication adjusted.

    On top of your move, you are writing a memoir, which is both wonderful and an ambitious project. Stress can trigger depression. Stress can trigger mania or hypomania. On the other hand, stress can fuel fulfilling our goals. Address the depression. When you feel better, harness your stress and your experience as fodder for your writing.

    Take care of yourself. It is good that you realize you are depressed and might need some extra help. Now go see your psychiatrist for a possible tweak of your meds. Go to a therapist to talk about your current life transitions – the recent move and submittals to publishers. Remember, too, on top of it all that you are a mother. Parenting alone can be quite challenging – for anyone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Hi Kitt, maybe I’ve confused my period of wellbeing with mania or as Dyane said hypomania. I have lived as a nomad mist of my life (dad loved moving) so this comes as a shock. But I do think you’re onto something.

      I can’t afford my psychiatrist (she won’t see me until I settle my clinic stay bill) so I just have to wing it . I called SADAG to help me find a therapist for psychotherapy so I hope that I can start that in July with my new medical aid kicking in. There’s no support groups in my area either which is a real let down. I’d have to drive 2 hours just get to one which I’m not prepared to do.

      I appreciate your insight and I know it comes from years of plain ol’ experience.

      I decided to think of myself as a tree, like the tree of life. Just have given life and i give life in different ways. And Every leaf needs attention, and every root needs sustenance. That’s what this depression has taught me.

      Every episode provides insight I need to live better.

      Thank you again.

      Much love always,

      Yvette

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jenny Arrison says:

    Hey my Love
    I am so so sorry to read all this horrible experiences you’re going through. I remember years ago when I was still married to my first husband and undergoing all the abuse, (physical and mental), ended up on every antidepressant pill you can think off but still feeling like I’m going totally insane, my saving grace was my children, my reading and my constant faith in my Daddy God. Now I’m not a bible-waving person, but my prayer-life intensified probably by a thousand fold when I went through let’s call it manic-depression. And really even though I had friends, I could not relate to them what I was feeling since I did not even understand what I was going through. Until I finally decided one day that I’m ending this cycle of abuse. I divorced my then husband and maybe 2 years later I met my current husband and Yvette, you know him…I could not have asked for a better person. My depression literally lifted overnight. And I thank Daddy God today that he sent this man on my path. If ever I had a depression episode ever again after meeting him, then I have no idea it had happened. Your saving grace my love-child will one day also come. And right now you have your loving family surrounding and encircling you with love and warmth. Lean on them, lean towards them and accept what they have for you. You’re not alone…never…ever!!! I I can imagine how scared and alone you must feel and I truly pray that God lift this fog out of your brain and you become once again the precious love-child I(we) know and love to beyond forever. ItS gonna come Yvette, just know that and have faith. Love you Always my precious girl ❤

    Like

  4. bipolarwhisper says:

    I agree with the others perhaps hypomania or just shot into a depression after a more balanced state? As we talked about before, we never ride the waves alone, there are many of us out there who are willing to hold your hand. big hugs.

    Like

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