My Big Black Book and fears of rejection

I have an A4 sized black book. It’s filled with my many ideas, telephone numbers and drafts of blog posts- drafted for my therapy and thus for the sake of sanity.

I’m scared that this will be the only book my children will have to get to know their mother- by reading the scribble on the walls or rather, the these pages.

I write to the IBF in here, I draft my own blog’s drafts here (you’d think I’d edit more hey?), I scribble missions statements and drafts of broken poems.

But this is not supposed to be a book of drafts! It’s the book I bought to write down the words of my, now seemingly pie-in-the-sky memoir.

Maybe I’m more afraid of the rejection after sending my manuscript out there. As a budding writer, I have received many no’s
For different reasons but the biggest ‘no’ was for my recent short story submission to a local competition. It hurt like a paper cut, but imagine using cardboard. It didn’t change my opinion of my story I still think it has something great living in it. The judges didn’t though.

What if no publisher finds my life story dull or not worthy of getting out there?

That would really hurt. I’m scared how big the ‘no”s would get. I’m afraid of actually having to physically acknowledge the ‘no’ (usually opening the email), mentally process it and then emotionally work through it. Not get over it, but work and walk into the puddle of rejection, get my feet wet and move on.

The water will dry and I’ll be fine. Right? It is just water, right?

I have no time (I think) for self-publishing- that’s when you throw water all over yourself; No puddle needed. Or do I have time, the networks, the money?

But it’s just water anyway.

I just don’t want to drown.

Yve