What does depression feel like?

I’m not sure if what I’m going through is a mixed episode. I sent my psych a message and she hasn’t responded. I think I should be fed to the dogs.

People, people don’t get me wrong. This isn’t (it might be) a cry for help. The last time I felt this low was when I met my husband. He was my boyfriend then, and I found myself just want to sleep the day away. Compliancy to taking my medication became an issue. Now, like thrn, basic functions like physicallly getting up is a problem. Yet at night, the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to sleep. I have designed a new website, edited stories and mad people happy.
I’m crazy sad. If that makes sense.

I decided to get a puppy. Someone who could love me and not judge me in English. Because the thought of someone judging me already hurts. But I have to wait for the adoption process to go through.

My husband doesn’t understand. I think this is because it’s been 2 years since we’ve experienced something so bad.

Remember I mentioned I had suicidal thoughts, well, I haven’t acted on any. But they are more frequent.

I wish I knew what was going on with me. It feels as if there’s heavy sand blowing in my mibd, distorting my thoughts and my vision. How do I raise children like this? Smiling and tickling them take so much energy, so much of me.

In moments I am numb to their innocent love.

In other moments, they save me.

For the first time in my life, I am considering gojng to the depression clinic. But what will everyone say? How will my husband cope? This is an illness I’d never wish on any enemy.

Burdened by sadness and energy to kill myself and the guilt of not loving myself enough just makes me confused. Why
don’t I love others enough to feel better?

Yes I was manic. But at least I can look after my kids and write magic.

Now, I can do neither.

Deadlines.

Children to be fed.

I need air.

All I see is fire.