Days gone by- emotions running high

Ah. Sometimes I am scared to stop. So I keep going and going and going. I don’t want to stop. Because once I stop I realize, hey. maybe you’re doing too much. Or hey. you’re doing too little. It’s just an ugly cat and mouse game where no one wins. The cat eventually gets food poisoning (that’s what the don’t tell you).

Last week Cayden’s school had their first week of extra mural activities. Because there was no exposure to such things in his previous school. we decided to take advantage of it this year. It’s Arts and crafts, Chess and Choir (he auditioned and got in). But so this meant I had to drive him to school, fetch him, bring him home for lunch, take him back and then fetch him again just before 4pm. All this with those two little ones in and out of their car seats.

Over the weekend, my mother-in-law helped put by taking the the eldest and middle (number 1 & 2) for the weekend. I filled my weekend with making all the decorations for Cayden’s Pirate themed birthday coming up on Saturday. It’s going to be a really big one for me. This is the first party I’ve thrown for him, as I am not going to count Spur parties. He’ll be turning 8. I cannot believe 8 years ago, I gave birth to this intelligent, charming little boy. Phew, let me get my tears in check!

Today was Alexander’s first day at a nursery school. Oh my. There are no words that could accurately describe that (almost) sinking feeling when your second baby goes to school (nursery schools are schools too okay). He’ll make friends, and eat without me. He will draw without me. He’ll even seek comfort from his teacher, and not me.
I felt empty.
The house was quiet without him.
I was quiet without him.
I was empty without him.
Is this normal?? I didn’t know how to deal with this so, after I dropped hubby at work, I sat at the beach for a bit. It didn’t help much.
Sometimes an emotion flows over me, drowns me a little and then leaves me. I then shoo it away.
At the point of shoo-ing, I decided to go shopping. i thought it may fill the empty spot inside. It made me feel worse. Actually, my bank balance saddened me. I got a nice new nailpolish and great pirate stuff.

Before I had the chance to work through the emptiness, I had to do whole fetch Cayden thing: fetch Cayden, bring him home, feed him, pick up Alexander, drop Cayden, drop Alexander at home, fetch Cayden, then go to my Chiropractor appointment (which BTW is EXTREMELY painful- this is still a big problem for me). I arrive home and start cooking supper. Babies cry intermittently.
There’s screaming, laughter, loud Cartoon Network, “WHY?”,I water the garden, do washing.

It doesn’t end, I can’t feel, but yet I’m drowning in: THIS.

It’s almost my birthday.

That was a reminder.

Oh and between all of this, I’m still doing my memoir course AND i finished my second draft of a short story I’m working on. It’s a modern South African story that centres around race and love and ghosts of the past. I love the story and I’d love to turn it into a novel. I think this distracts me, distracts me from doing more? I’m supposed to replying to comments! I want more time, I can do more, give me more time.

Time, give me more, me.

Am I doing enough?

Pass the Merlot…

Yve

P.S I don’t feel like doing #goodmoodMonday

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11 thoughts on “Days gone by- emotions running high

  1. kbailey374 says:

    I can relate to the doing too much/not enough scenario but may I opine that you may be doing too much lol… Sounds like a lot to me anyway! Glad you are getting in the joy of writing though (re the short story) – that is awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Lol, it’s like I hear the words “too much” and feel I need to overcompensate, for something. I’m working on the something, while I do the rest of the arts and crafts for Saturday’s party. Oh my hat!

      Re: the short story, it’s weird how the writing bug bites you and leaves you itching to write every second of the day! ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

      Like

  2. Diana Zaccaria says:

    It’s neVer going to feel like you are doing enough yet it always feels like you’re doing too much, quiet the irony and haunts parents continually. I only have two kids and a full time job, plus house, man etc to juggle and I feel overcome at times. You have two little ones and a ‘soon to be 8year old’, of course you feel the way you do, no one is superhuman and no, it’s not possible to do it all. Give and take a little at a time, pace yourself, but them maybe doing everything a ll at once helps get you through? I’m a nutter, I know it, but I do all that I can and wish I could do more….it’ll never be enough in my eyes, but to everyone else it’s always more than enough. Would love to read your story….๐Ÿ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thanks Diana, you really made me feel totally normal. Overwhelmed is sometimes a word loosely used, but I think they should reserve it for moms, and just parents in general. I just want them to remember that their parents did everything they could to provide the best environment for them, whatever that may entail. You know? I feel like it’s so little to ask for. Yet, it means the world to many. I need to take it easier. I know this. And maybe give myself some more credit. That’s something we often overlook… You’re raising such a beautiful family Diana, so I definitely appreciate your kind words.

      Regarding the story, just send your email address and I’ll send it to you. It’s a draft, but I love where it’s going.

      xxxx

      Like

  3. dyane says:

    Okay, beautiful writer, I think you need to add ten more to-do’ s….NOT!!!!! I am amazed by all that you’re doing,. As a birthday gift to yourself can you consider letting go of or postponing any tasks that you can to make it easier on yourself? Could you ask for help from anyone (phrase it as a birthday gift for you!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰ so you don’t burn out and so that drowning feeling lessens. You have a wonderful family, heaps of talent and exciting projects going on, as well as a ton of responsibility with caring for your little ones…you deserve to make yourself the #1 priority, but believe me, I know that is easier said than done!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      So, i decided to take your advice miss wonderful! This year, I shall not be cooking for my birthday, but instead have a lovely sunday lunch at the Banting Kitchen in Cape Town. They even have dessert, so I can eat good healthy food and feel wonderful! PLUS, my house won’t be left dirty after a party, AND i won’t be left feeling overwhelmed because of all the people. Well. I like big crowds, but somehow I always feel empty after the crowd leaves. Like they took bits of me with them, maybe in their back pockets or something.

      I am ashamed to admit it, but I really don’t know HOW to take care of myself. That’s what I told my psych- so I need to work on it.

      Thanks for being such a beam of light ๐Ÿ™‚

      xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Hey Josh! I’m holding on for dear life. With my birthday coming up,I decided to not throw a party or cook. Just shower and stuff- cover the basics. Then gather the family at a restaurant, and eat good food.

      ๐Ÿ™‚ I really really hope I win! But I’ll share it online as soon as it’s done. Thanks for the support, Mr Vendor.

      Liked by 1 person

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