Ah. Sometimes I am scared to stop. So I keep going and going and going. I don’t want to stop. Because once I stop I realize, hey. maybe you’re doing too much. Or hey. you’re doing too little. It’s just an ugly cat and mouse game where no one wins. The cat eventually gets food poisoning (that’s what the don’t tell you).
Last week Cayden’s school had their first week of extra mural activities. Because there was no exposure to such things in his previous school. we decided to take advantage of it this year. It’s Arts and crafts, Chess and Choir (he auditioned and got in). But so this meant I had to drive him to school, fetch him, bring him home for lunch, take him back and then fetch him again just before 4pm. All this with those two little ones in and out of their car seats.
Over the weekend, my mother-in-law helped put by taking the the eldest and middle (number 1 & 2) for the weekend. I filled my weekend with making all the decorations for Cayden’s Pirate themed birthday coming up on Saturday. It’s going to be a really big one for me. This is the first party I’ve thrown for him, as I am not going to count Spur parties. He’ll be turning 8. I cannot believe 8 years ago, I gave birth to this intelligent, charming little boy. Phew, let me get my tears in check!
Today was Alexander’s first day at a nursery school. Oh my. There are no words that could accurately describe that (almost) sinking feeling when your second baby goes to school (nursery schools are schools too okay). He’ll make friends, and eat without me. He will draw without me. He’ll even seek comfort from his teacher, and not me.
I felt empty.
The house was quiet without him.
I was quiet without him.
I was empty without him.
Is this normal?? I didn’t know how to deal with this so, after I dropped hubby at work, I sat at the beach for a bit. It didn’t help much.
Sometimes an emotion flows over me, drowns me a little and then leaves me. I then shoo it away.
At the point of shoo-ing, I decided to go shopping. i thought it may fill the empty spot inside. It made me feel worse. Actually, my bank balance saddened me. I got a nice new nailpolish and great pirate stuff.
Before I had the chance to work through the emptiness, I had to do whole fetch Cayden thing: fetch Cayden, bring him home, feed him, pick up Alexander, drop Cayden, drop Alexander at home, fetch Cayden, then go to my Chiropractor appointment (which BTW is EXTREMELY painful- this is still a big problem for me). I arrive home and start cooking supper. Babies cry intermittently.
There’s screaming, laughter, loud Cartoon Network, “WHY?”,I water the garden, do washing.
It doesn’t end, I can’t feel, but yet I’m drowning in: THIS.
It’s almost my birthday.
That was a reminder.
Oh and between all of this, I’m still doing my memoir course AND i finished my second draft of a short story I’m working on. It’s a modern South African story that centres around race and love and ghosts of the past. I love the story and I’d love to turn it into a novel. I think this distracts me, distracts me from doing more? I’m supposed to replying to comments! I want more time, I can do more, give me more time.
Time, give me more, me.
Am I doing enough?
Pass the Merlot…
P.S I don’t feel like doing #goodmoodMonday