Why being crazy is so lonely, to me

I’m writing this post keeping in mind that I do not know all there is to know about the condition of the government psychiatric facilities in South Africa. I been ‘fortunate’ to be on medical aid. I’ve never been to a facility. You know, a facility. I should have in think back on what i’ve done, where I’ve been, especially in my mind. But this ‘fortune’ of having medical aid does not take from the loneliness from having a mental illness.

It’s isolating.

I’ve told a few of my closest friends, but all they offer is empathy. Of course it’s genuine and I appreciate it. It’s just.

I feel like I’m crazy when I try explain the kind of thoughts I have- the sensitivity I displayed to every change that happened in my life; the fact that I shattered to a million pieces, inside and kept it to myself. I kept the torment inside all these years and felt lonely and scared to share it, to whisper to any ear that would listen. I was so scared of their reactions. I was scared of being put away. I was scared of disgust. I kept it all inside, to keep people close. Some people, who didn’t give a damn about me anyway.

When I tell my husband about the versions of me, the psychosis, my super powers, he doesn’t understand. But he knows.

I want another bipolar to tell me I’m normal.

Am I am not normal now?
Now that I fit.
Fit into type 1?

I read blogs because they account the daily transactions between us and the ghost inside.

I used to think that I would die at the age of 23. I was paranoid for many years that because I saw the digital time 23:23 quite a few times (on a VHS machine), I would die at 23. I became so paranoid that it became a bitterness, and of course I never celebrated my 23rd birthday. (P.S I was not medicated). I’m 28 now. And every year, I live is a surprise to me. After numerous suicide attempts I think it goes with the territory. But, when I look at blogs by older bipolars and fellow mental illness suffers, I know I may not die. It’s inspiring.

That’s profound to me.

I may not always be ok.

But I may not die.

I feel lonely here in South Africa. I want to make a change. I don’t want others to feel this loneliness- the voices won’t ever be able to make up for this kind of loneliness. I urge South africans to be as vocal, as helpful, as genuine, as compassionate as those abroad, like the likes of Kitt O’Malley, Glenn Archibald and Dyane.

(Blogging from my phone so functionality is limited but, here are their blogs:

http://glenn2point0.wordpress.com/

kittomalley.com

http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/ )

They’ve inspired me to come out, stay medicated and most importantly be me (which is a whole a lot of awesome things).

I’ll continue to connect, follow and tweet other mental health activists.

When I do die one day, I want my children to remember me, the real me- the fighter, the passionate Yvette… Who happened to have Bipolar 😉

Xxxx

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17 thoughts on “Why being crazy is so lonely, to me

  1. 4yearoldadult says:

    Your writing is very engaging, I could relate with each word you said. I am not sure about my own identity but sometimes, I do feel an inner voice which asks me to choose a different path. Things like talking to oneself, shrieking out my stress soothes me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Thanks :-). I used to scream into my pillow, does that count? I can’t do it now because I’m not single and mostly I don’t want the kids to think I fall apart. I notice that when I drive, I turn the music up and sing badly, but it makes me feel better somehow. My occupational therapist said that’s a definite coping mechanism and I should find more.

      Like

    • Yve's Corner says:

      OK so i typed this reply on my tablet and it disappeared twice. So if I seem like I’m typing with less enthusiasm, know that it’s not you, it’s me. Thanks for being able to relate. Empathy from others has helped me in redefining who am I and why I am, since my diagnosis. Music soothes me. I used to scream into my pillow. Does that count?

      Like

  2. dyane says:

    What a poignant post!!!

    Awww, thanks for the shout-out & links – you are so sweet!

    Glenn and Kitt inspire me due to many reasons, as you know. One of those reasons is that they’ve joined support groups (Glenn uses Meetup, which is international) for those who have mental illness. I used to lead some DBSA (Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance) groups myself, but when I relapsed, they fell to the wayside and no one else took charge. I wish there was a support group close to where I live, as it could help me with those horrid feelings of isolation.

    In the meantime, the internet is a huge help and I’ve only just scratched the surface of our bipolar community. There are forums to join, but I find myself most interested in blogs, tweets & Facebook for now.

    I am SO proud of you for coming out with bipolar, and I hope with all my heart that we both feel less lonely in living with this condition!!!!

    take care, my dear Yve! And keep writing!!
    (((hugs)))
    Dy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      My apologies for the delay in reply- we’re in the process of moving. Ulgh. Stress. Little sleep. So I’ve been trying to keep a low profile, a.k.a, low word count. 🙂 thank you for always being reachable and approachable. It made me think of something else I’d like to blog about, linking fear of stigma and feeling inadequate in being a good leader. For instance, had people known I was bipolar would they have trusted me with their constituencies and more importantly, if I knew I was bipolar then, would I trusted myself to be a leader, a great leader? I guess me deciding to come out sort if answers that question with hesitancy I add. There’s a support group close by- I really should make time and effort to go. With 3 kids it’s tricky.

      Regardless of loneliness Dy, us connecting is no mistake. :-). There’s no such thing as mistakes.

      Thanks for being a leader we can look up to, even if it is across the waters and cyberspace.

      Hugs!!!

      Yve

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Kitt O'Malley says:

    Have you checked out blahpolar’s blog at bipolardyke.wordpress.com. She’s a middle-aged lesbian, not a mother of young children. But she offers great summaries and links to bipolar information. Check out Australian bipolarmums.com. BipolarBloggerNetwook.com combines multiple blogs of bipolar writers, including me, Dyane, and Blahpolar. Hope that helps you feel less alone! IBPF.org = International Bipolar Foundation. DBSA = Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance & they have online support groups. Keep in touch and keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Hi Kitt, I’ve checked out Blahpolar- I love the added bonus of being South African. I was thinking of adding those helpful links to my blog as I don’t think I would be a good factual contributor. Thanks for the other networks- I still feel a little detached from the blog-o-sphere. Not that I want to be conceited and look for people to read my stuff, don’t get me wrong. I’d just love to connect to more people who ‘know what I’m saying’, in the sincerest of ways. Thanks for making it less lonely. You and Dyane, really have made it easier to open my mouth and not bite my tongue, not hold all of THIS inside.

      Here’s to bursting with POSSIBILITIES!

      XXX

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      Hi! Sorry, I’ve been snowed under this week! I’ve been meaning to email you. Now that you’ve tracked me down, it would be totally embarrassing not to reply! haha- I’ll be in touch soon. x

      Like

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