Or am I manic?

Although I was diagnosed in 2012 at the age of 26, I still feel like I’m only. Just coming to terms with identifying when I’m up and when I’m down, as well as the reason for the fluctuations.

I posted a few posts back on me feeling absolutely glorious. I had energy, mind bursting with ideas with a little less irritability than the usual spells of mania. I thought, or I think I am well. As in not ‘ill’. Mania may seem ‘fun’ for some, but the consequences of being delirious can leave one alone, bankrupt and probably depressed. All those are not fun.

I’m confused. I feel great. How do I know if I’m well?

I’m bipolar 1 and been known for my mania’s. I should have been institutionalised many times, but I circumstances didn’t afford me that luxury. I suffered on the inside. I was walking tornado, tormenting myself on the inside.

At the moment I think I’m just scared I become that tornado again. So I constantly peer through my windows to check if I’m okay. I’ve had a gazillion ideas since last week, but I’ve managed to zone in on one, that is writing, for now. I’ve started many businesses in my head, including a transport company and a designing company. My ideas are brilliant, and the level of detail and creativity I display is quite fascinating. I take a step back and marvel at the ‘awesomeness’.

I guess my ‘reasonabile Yvette’ test lies with the retrospection. If I look at yesterday’s ideas, do I ask myself, ‘Did I write this?’ Or ‘can this really be me?’ If the answer is yes, and I’m okay with that, then I could not have been manic. The problem with the test is that it’s reactive. I could caused a lot of damage/ lost of money in the mean while before conduct the test.

The only proactive or in-the-moment test I imagine I can conduct is a personal one. I don’t think all bipolars experience the same. When I am not well, I am detached. I ebb between knowing who my family is to feeling completely estranged; sometimes I fee so detached that I can see myself sitting in the car/ speaking, but it’s like I’m not speaking. I’m a ghost of the self I see before me. I hope that makes sense. That’s scary because I lose out on memories and promises and feelings. I lose out on life.

I’m documenting these things in my memoir, in the hope I can piece my life back together. I can’t get the past back, but with me (hopefully) not manic, I can recollect and manage a better life forward.

Yve

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6 thoughts on “Or am I manic?

  1. glenn2point0 says:

    Thanks for sharing Yve. It’s good to get to know the warnign signs of mania. I am on seroquel 400mg twice a day and Epilim 400mg am and 200mg pm. The lethargy is hard to deal with at times but it is much better than the psychosis and/or mania. Good luck with everything and as Kitt says, keep on those medications.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yve's Corner says:

      I don’t deal well on Seroquel, I only take mine at night- 100-200mg. In the rough days I had to take 25mg in the morning too, just to relax me. I think I need to go back to that. There’s a lot of stress lately. I’ve been on a high lately but today I felt this overwhelming need to cry. Out of the blue. I’m going to blog about it. I’m not sure if it’s due to one of the memories I’ve been tackling in my memoir today, What does Epilim do? I’m more often that not on the straight and narrow with my meds; I just slack if i drink. I don’t mix them, so I am selective which I take on those occasions. Thanks for keeping in touch Glenn. I’m also going to write a a blog post mentioning you and Kitt. You guys really shed light on this journey.

      Liked by 1 person

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