Ah, the sun is out.
I think the combination, or pill-concoction is really working for me (currently on 500mg Lithium; 100mg Seroquel; Cymgen (Anti- depressant with pain relieving properties); Eltroxin (for my thryoid)).
I went through a really difficult time, due to many external factors. And I think, finally we have the concoction right. That and the weather is much warmer in South Africa. Cape Town is absolutely beautiful and for the first time in months I can appreciate the beauty. It’s like being able to see with clean, crystal clear glasses. (Not those dark shades I wear from June-August). I believe that we don’t always appreciate the good days, let alone facing the challenges of being mentally ill, we don’t “take it all in”, breathe life in. Deep. We don’t let the wonder fill our lungs to a point where we want to burst. And exhale. And all the while that smile never leaves your face. We should let that moment of feeling absolutely wonderful, feeling in control, linger. Let it linger a little longer than yesterday.
This post is easier to write than the last. I don’t suffer severe back pain anymore. Pain, physical pain of Bipolar should be researched much more. It hurts being alive sometimes- I think that thought made it easy to attempt suicide several times. But not today. Today I’m breathing in, with ease and on purpose.
With the darkness of depression at bay, I shower and wash my hair everyday. I still suffer from psoriasis (due to previously high dose of lithium) but I’m managing it better. Mainly because I have the energy to get up, use the prescribed shampoos and dry my hair. When you’re depressed, there is a listlessness that gnaws at you- which means lack of hygiene is on the top 3 to go. It’s embarrassing and you want hide, not see anyone, not see yourself. I hardly ever looked in the mirror. But I did today.
I can also now clean while the 2 babies sleep. But at the same time, if I feel like it, I sleep, I read, or I do nothing. I don’t invite stress. Or rather, if stress invites me out to tea, I smilingly decline.
There are days when the kids don’t follow a pattern, and my instinct is out of whack- it’s just a bad day.Babies cry at the same time, lack of money stress me out, lawyers demand money, the eldest child is in trouble at school again, my eyebrows are growing uncontrollably for no good reason, I find 10 blackheads on my chin, and the satellite TV is out. I have quite a few of those days. BUT even on these days I feel that I STILL have control.
Control over my mood. That is truly empowering. In the back of my head I know that’s not a forever state, but for now, it’s definitely needed and welcomed one.
My bipolar disorder is crippling. I’ve lost friends, jobs, relationships and it affects my life, directly. That is a reality.
I just hope I remember how I feel today, when the sun doesn’t want to come out to play, probably in the month of May.