Setting myself up for failure

I’ve just had my third baby (he’s 1month old), I’m on my meds, and I still feel like I’m going to crash land somewhere remote and hot and ugly.

My life since I was 19 has been a rollercoaster ride, where significant highs in my life has unfortunately been followed by nausiating lows. This wreaks havoc on my relationships and of course my career. I’ve had to many types of careers because of this. After I endure a low, I feel like I let the company/ dept/ person down, and I quickly try something else.

I don’t know if it’s me, but I feel a manic session coming up. I’m really not sure. About 2 weeks ago I was totally keen on looking after all my kids and not needing a nanny to help out. My idea was also to be come a stay at home mom. I thought it best for the children. Now, I’m scared schitless and can’t get myself to complete simple tasks. My mind is always busy with great articles to write, but I can never remember them. Also, one of the big signs… I can’t sleep.

How do I know?

I feel I’m about to be ‘non-reliable’ Sally in a few days.

Then again, I don’t if that’s instinct or the illness talking.

How do I know when to start having goals again? Do I go back to work or not? My firm welcomes those who like to put in the extra effort and work overtime. The environment welcomes my manic side and in the end, I kill myself for the firm.

Work is a like a death trap. And being manic just brings death to the door a lot sooner.

My psychtrist is going away for 3 weeks.

Ahhh, hope I’m going to survive.

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