You know, since my last post I’ve been through quite a lot, including having that baby I mentioned in my previous post.
I’m in the post partum phase right now- and with so much going through my mind, I don’t know which parts to write in which blog (I run 2 blogs). Baby was born at 32 weeks and he’s still in the Neonatal ICU.
Life is hard right now.
I told a close friend of mine that I feel incomplete and confused and broken and longing all at ot once. Is this normal?
I sat crying in a coffee shop yesterday. That brought the total teary episodes to 3 for the day. Yet the evening I felt amazing. I’m sad and happy and a zillion other emotions all at once. Aren’t these fucking pills supposed to work? I’m on 750mg Lithium and still on Seroquel. Lord knows I can’t sleep without them. Aren’t they supposed to keep me afloat or something? I feel like I’m drowning, lungs filling with water the one minute, and relaxing on a floatee smiling at the sun, the next minute.
I feel like my arms are going to break if I try to ‘hold it together’.
And yet, I have to. I have 2 sons and a husband at who need me to be ‘together’, to have my wits about me, to be strong.
Besides, it would be dangerous if i had to fall apart. Bipolars like me, shouldn’t fall apart.
I’d lose myself between the pieces.