I’m at my house

I was going to start this blog off by using the title, ‘I’m at home’. I am at home, I’m on extended sick leave (unpaid leave). But I don’t feel like this is, ‘home’.

The house is a mess with dirty dishes everywhere, dirty washing overflowing and I feel like this environment is a reflection of what’s going on in my mind. I’m curently on 1000mg of Lithium and 400mg Seroquel. This is the first time I’ve ever been on such a high dosage. Then again, I’m sure that my body and mind didn’t even adjust from the previous pregnancy (11months ago) yet.

I wake up every day dreading, not only what will unfold but dreading the day itself. I’m not saying I want to die, but mostly it really sucks to live right now. The lithium seems to be fixing those ‘tangible’ suicidal thoughts, but the subtle overtones of helplessness and just-not-wanting-to-be-around, lingers on. It feels like clouds are looming over me and on some days dark clouds float before my eyes. Like a mist it makes its presence known by leaving wetness on my face. I know my dark side looms and sits here, waiting for me to skip a dose of the good doctor’s pills.

It wants to draw me in.

Everytime I think of the dark one inside me, it saddens me even more. Why does she still hang around even when this is supposed to be a happy time in my life? I’m pregnant for goodness sake!

I get angry when I realise that the darkness is part of my life, forever. I also have anxiety problems so I constantly worry about everything worth and also not worth worrying about. In pregnancy, this for me means worrying about every niggle or pain. So every day can be a nightmare in this regard. Also, my anxiety manifests into physical symptoms, so it all becomes real anyway. Bad dreams become reality.

I think I’m weak, you know. I’m strong but weak- so vulnerable to changes that happen in my world.

I feel so guilty for being weak. As a woman, you’re supposed to be strong and carry the world on your shoulders. And I really do want to carry the weight on my shoulders. I just can’t sometimes. It makes me feel like a fucking failure.

I can’t be a great mom because some days I can’t stand the crying and the demands.

I can’t be a great wife because it’s difficult to be around me, when I’m not ‘me’, sometimes. I tell him to leave but he just won’t let go of my mess.

I can’t be great employee because when I strain myself and function as a top employee, I crash and I’m off sick for extended periods.

I can’t be great when I feel like this.

Being bipolar makes me feel naked and vulnerable.

I prefer being manic, okay I lie. I just can’t imagine feeling normal or being normal in this state.

I wish I felt, normal, at home.

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2 thoughts on “I’m at my house

  1. Sarah says:

    Thank you so much for this post. Everything you’ve said feels exactly the same to me, so it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I came across this when I was really really down, in a dark place, worrying how my illness is gonna affect my two small children (3 and 9 months). I’m always gonna worry but this made me feel a little better. Feeling completely isolated from the outside world is one of my hardest struggles. Thank you again, because now I know someone somewhere anywhere understands.

    Like

  2. Yve's Corner says:

    Hi Sarah,

    My sincerest apologies for replying so late. I’ve been going through such a turbulent time, it seems llike the winds never settle in my part of the world.

    I always feel like there’s such a difference between my world, and the world- and it literally drives me crazy. I want so badly to feel part of a world I can’t always function in. It can be sad sometimes.
    Thank you for reading. I hope I’ll be well enough to keep sharing with you!

    Like

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