Leadership and Marriage

I have experience in two fields: leadership and marriage. Both of these fields older people will disregard my opinion mainly because of my age. To the older generation, I’m still too know to have a valid opinion about such heavy topics. To that I say, “Thank goodness for blogging”. My need for release will still be heard by whoever follows my blog. #score.
My “leadership” days track back to university life and my involvement with “all-things-leader”. From student organizations, to councils- it never ended. Apparently I loved power. I could never have been more misunderstood. I enjoyed and to this day enjoy bringing people together, fighting wrongs, and hosting get togethers. Concerning righting wrongs, I guess that’s why I am in auditing. I still enjoy hosting functions and recently very successfully arranged a function at my firm for the purpose of creating culture and a great working environment. Mostly in university I had the craving, and energy, to build. Build and build and provide opportunities for others to grow. I swear it’s all I could think about. I hardly slept. I hardly ate. I had a great figure. Hehehehe (post-pregnancy-body humour). My intention and view of leadership was healthy.
Then I fell ill and boom, got married. You can read more about that in my previous post. I realized that my craving and calling in being a leader, and living like a leader never left. I never changed, my life changed. I know had to be a leader in my own marriage. Most women would sit back and be shocked. “What? A woman lead a marriage? No, that’s the man’s job”. I don’t take kindly to such mentality, but hey, it takes all sorts to fill the world with chaos.
At my wedding my dad said I should let my husband lead- he knew that I was quite the leader and activist at university. At first I thought okay, I’ll let hubby do all the work. But leadership didn’t mean that at all, well, that’s not what we practice at home. I had to lead, and practice all the skills I learnt at varsity, from teamwork to conflict resolution to celebration of victories and honest communication in criticism. All that practice, for marriage.
In my opinion, women should be leading in marriage, and not in that bitter “let him pay” way. You should lead your husband in understanding your role as his partner, NOT necessarily as his woman. Let me explain. There is too much confusion as to the role of a woman vs. that of being a partner. Far too many people see women as weak (only strong once you’ve struck them), over loving and breastfeeding creatures. So, if one of these characteristics is missing, we are not seen as a “good” woman. These criticisms often brought forward by other women too by the way. We then, as women in marriage, internalize it and think of ourselves as less and tolerate inappropriate treatment from our men. We think of ourselves as lesser and so, allow them to see us and treat us like lesser beings, or weak, “women”. We, again in my opinion, give them reason to do so. If we were just true leaders and established each other’s roles as partners- defining strengths and weaknesses, not based on breastfeeding ability, and the “women’s place is in the kitchen mentality”, I think we would have a lot more happier couples in the world. Woman, lady, understand that you are more than just kind, gentle, breastfeeding, weight-gaining individual. It’s never man vs. woman; it’s person A vs. person B; opinion vs. opinion.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
Not because my opinion counts, it does on this blog, but because I see my marriage as more than something that was started just the other day. I have to see my husband more than a man. And he has to see me more than a woman. I think it’s possible to blur the lines a bit and he can romance me and woo me, with that idea of me being a woman, but when it comes to the important things, like values, we treat each other as equals.
With respect.
I always think that if he had to, hubby would bear children and breastfeed. We currently do the formula thing so he kind of does breastfeed. He is loving, he is affectionate and caring just like a woman can be seen as. So, if we had to base our marriage and resolving issues on those old ways of viewing a man and woman, our marriage would be confusing and fall to pieces.
In conclusion:
My marriage is as sweet as cake so far.

One thought on “Leadership and Marriage

  1. viewsfrommystoep says:

    Mmmhhh…..thought provoking. When it comes to love, relationships, marriage etc I think it’s safe to assume that what works for one, might not work for another.

    We are different people, brought up in different ways and have different belief systems. I believe what’s important is that we get to know ourselves first and foremost. When you know who you are and what role you play, you’ll understand your role in the relationship and that of your significant other. A feminist must go for someone who’s liberal; you can’t go for a traditionalist and expect it work

    With that being said, I’m quite happy being submissive. I earn more than my man, more educated but he’s wiser and so loving – making it easy to be the “dutiful” girlfriend. I’m as modern as they come, worldly but I’m grounded by my upbringing and spirituality. My man is the head, my king. However, that doesn’t mean I’m docile. Not at all. I’m actually head strong and strong willed and the beautiful thing is he lets me be myself – unlike in my previous relationships where I had to dumb myself down. We have mutual respect for one another, he’s my sounding board and I’m his; I support his vision and he supports mine. He’s a Shangaan man and Shangaan men, like most black men, fancy themselves as providers. He wants to take care of his woman, pay for her hairdos etc. Which is something that will take a lot of getting used to for me because I’m used to paying my own way and I’ve been leeched off so ja. Apart from that, we’re partners in everything else but we’re not equal 🙂


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