The dangers of being young have never quite hit me as much as it has in my (late) twenties. The world is big, in this period of my life and all the best things are available at my fingertips. It’s like power, a lot of it- and without some form of control (which I like) is bad. I use the word ‘bad’, because it’s simple and just as it sounds, flat and eludes to emptiness, it describes the after effects of power without control.
I didn’t mean for this blog post to sound so depressing, I just aimed to explain what I’m going through at the moment, after reflecting for quite the while. I won’t be going into specific details- details serve no purpose at this point.
So, my life was absolutely fabulous- I had a great job, I travelled abroad for business, I managed/ booked for bands (in South Africa), I was studying at one of the top universities (on the African continent), I was an ‘okay’ single mom, I had a rocker boyfriend, then a different awesome (new) boyfriend, I knew people, people knew me. And then- just like that- it all came spiraling down- not even like a ton of bricks (I would assume that it was a poorly built wall of bricks)- but like Table Mountain, suddenly coming crashing down.
What? Why? Even a few WTF’s came rushing out of my mouth- I no longer wanted to speak to anyone, work was difficult to do. I had good days- where I wanted to work, but didn’t want to see anyone. So that didn’t work. Everything went wrong, from car trouble, small things like cellphone battery failure at the wrong times, rain. Stuff like that- all seemed to happen at the same time. I was feeling like it was storming on the inside and I was crippled- I could not do a single thing to fix it all. I had no control.
I think that was the worst of it all- I had no control. I had power to undo all the good and achievements I had achieved- but no control to fix what was happening at the present moment. Having many other options, I chose the right one and decided (obviously with consulting other important stakeholders) to go on sabbatical (obviously receiving raised eyebrows by those who ‘know’ me).
Okay, I lie, not sabbatical, but rather a period where I need to re-look, rethink, rejuvenate, read, re-. No-one will understand, everyone won’t understand in the same way, some people will care. Oh well, another thing I don’t have control over.
Yesterday I realized, even though I was a big mountain (no, I’m not tooting my own horn), and I parts of me came crashing down- killing many people and buildings in sight- it’s all just soil- soil that can home trees and such. Trees that can bear fruits.
So I may not be a mountain, but I’m more than that. I can still give life.
But first- got some ‘sabbatical-ling’ to do before this magic can happen. I have to clean up the mess first.
So that’s where I was/am, followers, but I have stepped back into the light.
See you all soon- stay tuned for some new action coming your way.