Sigh. The dreaded weight talk. Bleh.
So, who cares about weight, their weight, or has an opinion about everyone else’s? Yeah, try to deny it. But you can’t. We all, either experience or comment on other people’s weight. I will be the honest one and admit- I do comment. Naturally not in a bad way. Then again we could argue what this ‘bad’ is. Anyway.
I remember being big and happy but not feeling ugly. Then I remember being big, being made fun of, not happy and subsequently feeling ugly. The innocence of not knowing what society, (possibly more so) the media, define beautiful as, totally changed my life. It changed who I thought I was to people. It changed who I was to myself. I know many men and women experience this. It’s not only about comparing yourself to those images in magazines, it’s more that disappointment when you believe you don’t measure up to what you ought to look like. That’s big. I mean, profound.
Yes I was, am, will be, may be, a big girl. It’s in my genes. I’m a size 35 hips and slightly smaller on top. I wasn’t always like this (As some people are reading this and saying to themselves, “This girl doesn’t know what being big is about”). I lost some weight recently(due to medical reasons). At a couple of stages in my life, I was a size 40. That was big deal, to many, but mostly myself. I felt ugly. My clothes felt tight, I felt uncomfortable, I felt like people were staring at me all the time, judging me. Thoughts like “Oh, she shouldn’t be wearing that”; “Didn’t know they made that dress in that size”, “She should cover up more”, “She’s trying too hard”, “Shame”, came to mind and the looks on people’s faces disgusted me too. Plus, I hated the way people looked at me when I used the stairs, or had to run. You know, when you out of breath and not looking very approachable, “She should do more of that”. I hated eating in a restaurant – even though I did it often, wondering what people thought about my meal choice. Look, I don’t know if people were really saying this, but it was in my mind. That’s where the damage is done, in our own minds.
Losing weight has always been a challenge for me. My weight has yo-yo’d since high school. I have done it all, from Herbalife to USN to soup diets to shakes…. I’m just tired of it. It isn’t like people who offer these products do not provide real solutions to weight issues, but I think the real issues is overcoming the monster from within. I still have a weight monster inside me. And she is chowing me for days. I won’t let her consume me, of course. But I know she is in there. I think she was created by society. I don’t know. Ask her, not me. And yes, girls who are deemed as too thin are also part of this discussion. I can’t speak for them. I do feel for them though.
On a related note, for years and years people have been modifying their bodies for some reason. Practices like using corsets and the footbinding practice in China come to mind. So this is nothing new- this whole modifying yourself, and most often, suffering-for-beauty thing… Whatever the ‘beauty’ is defined as, at a particular point in time.
I can’t say we can really ‘blame’ the media. The idea of a ‘perfect’ body or image is just now more freely available and exposed to many more. I can dabble a bit about Lady Gaga. Ok, she is very unique- she promotes being different as acceptable, and should be celebrated. But then again, is her version of different/ unique good? Her image may be just as damaging as defining size 0 models as what we should aspire to. She is thin though- Just saying. I think of Adele, a beautiful big singer and then see her album cover. Photoshop, wow. She lost so much weight, in theory, on the album cover. Sigh. Nicky Minaj- with that rear of hers. I don’t even want to comment. I don’t even know what to comment. I know that, as the old saying goes “Sex sells”, but seriously.
If I look at some of the African cultures, big women, and being big is often seen as a beautiful thing. Big babies are seen as ‘healthy’. Even, a ‘pot’ belly in a man is a sign of wealth. I think the idea of beauty and what makes one beautiful is a fluid concept. One which has many variables and is dependent on the context. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they say, but the we often discount our own power to define and embrace our own sense of beauty, often, to satisfy the other idea of others. On one hand we own what the media produces and on the other we aspire to what they give us. On a silver platter. With a side of chips.
Too fat, too thin. Not different enough. Not. Not. Not.
I’ll weight till we settle this.
To UCT people, yes I just referenced Wikipeadia. This a blog- I can do that. LOL.
Too phat to be cool 😛